Conflict is not the problem in a relationship – how you handle conflict is. After years of sitting with couples online, I keep seeing the same handful of patterns repeat. Here is how to name yours.
The three familiar patterns
- Pursue and retreat. One person pushes for resolution while the other withdraws into silence. The harder one pursues, the further the other backs away.
- Attack and defend. Criticism meets defensiveness, and both partners leave the room more hurt than they arrived.
- Mutual avoidance. Nothing is ever said, so nothing ever changes – but the resentment quietly compounds.
Why you keep repeating yours
These patterns are learned. You watched your parents do something similar, or you developed a strategy that once protected you. What keeps it alive is not stubbornness – it is that the pattern feels familiar and therefore “normal”.
Healing a conflict pattern is not about winning the argument. It is about slowing the loop long enough to see each other again.
Breaking the loop
Name the pattern out loud, in a calm moment: “I think we do the pursue-and-retreat dance.” Naming it removes its power. Then agree on a timeout signal that both of you honour, and come back within thirty minutes.
If the pattern has been running for years, it will not dissolve overnight. That is exactly what couples counselling – in person or online – is designed to help with.
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